Col. Sauvageot...

I think listening to Col. Sauvageot today was one of the most revealing moments for me throughout this trip. Watching as tears crept up and interrupted Col. Sauvageot as he relayed his memories brought me back to evenings while I would sit and listen to my father reminisce about his own memories of Vietnam. Most of these stories rarely ever made much sense in the midst of tears that would frequently impose themselves as painful memories surfaced. They came in bits and pieces as if he was retelling stories to himself rather than to his family. As a little girl, I don't think I really understood the depth to which these sorrows originated. All I knew was that it was my duty to sit there and comfort him--especially in these rare moments where he could bring himself to share of his experience. 

Being in Hanoi these past few weeks and seeing, hearing, taking in everything has been at the least overwhelming. I've been at lost as to what to do with all these truths coming at me. But listening to Col. Sauvageot today made me realize something I guess I always knew, that the implications of this war will never be resolved. I knew in coming here I would be faced with facts contrarily to everything I've been brought up to understand. And this, I was prepared for. But what I think I've been doing wrong all along is trying to force myself to come to a black and white understanding of the situation. I came into this program wanting to learn about a war and understand the side that would glorify the sacrifices my father made. Yet what I was faced with was the very opposite, the truth of which the South was far from a position of glorification. But at the same time, with each argument made for the Northern Vietnamese cause, the greater my guilt for turning my back on everything my father fought for. Because of what he fought for, my family and I are where we are today. Yet, what he fought for may have been a horrid mistake that caused the life of thousands and the pain of millions still living today.  

Today, Col. Sauvageot spoke of the high-ranking female Vietcong who wouldn't convert. In his report, he said that there was no way they could convert her. Her beliefs were shaped by everything she's gone through--the life her sons lived then---her reality shaped her motivations during the war. Just as the Col. had his own motivations to serve his country based on the values and truths he'd grown to believe in. They both had their own honorable reasons, and there was no way it would change. Rather, no reason why it should be changed. 

Throughout this trip, I've been worried as to how I would face my father afterwards---how would I present to him these things I've learned. I've been trying to find a side to pin as the bad guy. Open to the fact that it may not be the side I've grown to understand, but as long as it was based on facts and historical truths, I could live with that. Yet, there's no way to do that. If there's anything that's finally sunk in throughout all of this is that human nature is complicated and there is no one side that's right. Each had their own motivations. And while my father, a war torn veteran---still haunted by the war, reminiscent of his lost nation, and bitter for his time lost in the reeducation camps after the war---may never heal from the scars of this experience, as his daughter, I can respect that his own realities have shaped his motives today just has they shaped his motives during the war. I can't change what he's gone through. Just as Col. Sauvageot spoke of in his report. There's no way you can force one to change their understandings shaped by a lifetime of realities. What's important now, is to move past all that and work for the future. There's a lot of reconciliation to do among the Viet Khieu and Vietnamese today. 

I'm sorry for the confusing mess this post has become. It's been more of a therapeutic breakdown for myself more than anything else. We have less than 2 more weeks together everyone! ;] 

(I don't have a picture of Col. Sauvageot...so in light of recent events, will a pic of McNamara suffice?)